The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Chaps.
We need to deal with a few wardrobe issues.

Listen carefully:
Chino’s. Are. Out. Of. Fashion.
You remember how we used to go to weddings as a bachelor in the nineties and get drunk and feel idiotic bunching up to catch the garter.
Well, back then we did wear Chino’s. With brown shoes (brogues) and a (normally) blue shirt, and a lame tie. (Our only one)
And back then it was okay.
We were young. We had no clue.
It’s not okay anymore. We need to move on.
Look down. Please tell me you are not wearing Chinos and brown shoes.
If you are, let’s agree to make this the last time. Okay.

Ruby jerseys, Football tops, Soccer Strips.
You can wear your mock Springbok jersey – but only if you are going to a live game.
You can wear your Manchester United strip – but only if it is a massive game and a whole pack of you are meeting at one of your houses for the game.
You can wear faux sporting gear – but it must be a big game. Like an international. A world cup. A World Series. The FA Cup. Something like that.
It is not okay to wear a rugby/soccer/football top when you go out shopping on a Saturday morning. Yes, I know someone mistook you for Joel Stransky in Cavendish Square Shopping Mall in 1994. But that was 15 years ago. You had more hair then.
And when you go out for Friday night drinks. It is NOT okay to wear your English Football Jersey with Beckham’s name on the back. Nobody will mistake you for the actual player on the team. Nobody actually thinks you know him. Not then. Certainly not now.
You took their posters down off your bedroom walls. Now, please stop wearing their strips.
Don’t do it. It gives us all a bad name.
(And that Varsity third fifteen rugby jersey you still fit into. That counts too)

Here are some basics for all of us about Jeans. We can wear jeans if we are over 40, but never under any of the following circumstances:
• Never (ever) wear your jeans above your belly button. Or even on your belly button for that matter. Guess where your hips used to be and try and get them in that general vicinity.
• You cannot tuck your shirt into your jeans. Any shirt. Ever. You will look like a knob.
• Don’t wear work shoes with Jeans. You think you look like an Italian model. You actually look like the guy from The Office. Polished shoes and jeans = not good.
• Never (ever) ((ever)) iron your jeans. A sharp crease down the front of your jeans? “Yes. I am trying to look informal. And Yes. I do look like a dick.”
• You know when you look down and see some sock between the bottom of your jeans and the top of your shoes?
• Well. Unless you said “No”, either lengthen them, lower them, or buy new ones.

If this is you, and it probably is. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s all of us. Just keep it tight tomorrow when you get dressed. And if this isn’t you, there is definitely someone in your immediate circle of friends it is.

Forward them this.
They’ll thank you.
They don’t know any better yet.