Admittedly, it might not have been the best parenting in the world.
Sonja was up in Bulungula with the two youngest kids over the two week Easter holiday and I was meant to follow with Skye to join them half way through. As it turned out things were going pear-shaped at work and I couldn't leave. So, much to Skye's disappointment, Sonja and I decided that it made more sense for Skye and I to rather spend Easter in Cape Town.
I planned not to work over the actual Easter Week-end and thought I would spend the time with Skye, doing some father/daughter quality-time activities. It was en route to one of these (a movie and ten-pin bowling) that it happened.
It went down something like this (although I can't swear to anything, as it happened fast)
Sharp eyed daughter: "Look dad, there's a pet shop."
Father: (no comment)
Doe eyed daughter: "Awe, please can I get a hamster?"
Responsible father: "No my love" (your mom will kill us) (Ten year old stuck in fathers body: "Hey that could be cool. No. Bad idea. Hey that could be cool. No bad idea. Hey that could be cool")
Shocked daughter: "Thanks dad, I didn't think you would stop."
Surprised father: "We're just going to have a look my love" (Ten year old stuck in fathers body: "Wow. cool pet shop. Look rabbits")
We end up in front of the hamster cages and I am thinking that, wow, for R10 they ARE cheap.
I thought one would be R20. So obviously I then say:
Then I (the adult and father) say: "Lets take two. A male and a female. Then they can mate"
I mean, it seemed kind of cool at the time and not such a bad idea.
I should have been concerned that the the shop assistant smelled of booze. But it was Easter and I figured well, drunk or not, he knew more than I did about sexing hamsters.
"How old are these I ask"
About two weeks old,", says he of the spirit breath.
Little babies, think I, half a year away from breeding. They'll be dead long before then. My kids'll squash em or drown em or lose em long before then.
42 year old father in charge of pocket money: "We want a male and female please"
Here's the thing. He looked so very confident. Drunk as he was, and we were leaning back to get out of range of his acrid breath, he looked so competent and confident. He stared at their non exisitant genitals, pulled something apart, and dropped a male and female into a box.
Then he conned me into buying sawdust, food, water dispensers, food bowls, and little orange msg hamster snacks.
Done deal. Skip movie. Skip bowling. Head home with hamsters, dig old cage out of storage, and make the house cosy and warm with saw dust and nibble snacks.
She: "this one looks pregnant dad"
Me (patronising): "Hamsters are all fat my love. She's too small to be pregnant, but maybe one day she will have babies"
We go to sleep a warm and loving house, albeit three members short. I am to chicken shit to phone the news through, so send off a short good night sms mentioning two new hamsters instead. No response.
Now. This is the true part. Without guile or exaggeration.
The next morning the fat baby had had five babies and was a proud mother.
Without the compounding of time for the sake of a good story.
One setting and rising of the sun.
When we woke up the next morning we had seven hamsters and not two.
Daughter very excited and phoning her mom with the good news.
Me, not so. Keeping away from my phone I was starting to think this may not be a good idea after all.
The next night when we went to sleep, Skye, having spent half her evening examining the blind, pink and ugly brood, came and told me that the other hamster, the dad hamster, the father hamster, the male hamster, was making a nest and not only that, but his boobs were swollen as well.
Silly irritating child.
The next day. Day two since we bought male and female baby hamsters. The next day the father hamster. The dad. The male. He of the swollen breasts. Well, it decides to have babies too. And not just one. Six of them. Gospel truth. Not a lie in there.
In two days we had gone from two hamsters to thirteen hamsters.
And that was my saving grace. It was that bad, and that unbelievable, it was that shocking, that it was funny.
Epilogue:
The childrens mother got back and immediately decided we were taking all the babies back to the pet shop. The childrens father hid out in the shed.
The childrens father then snuck one of the babies to the snake (this is our actual pet snake that eats live mice), he was figuring that he was saving twenty bucks on petrol going to buy mice, and that these were going back to the pet shop anyway. (however, the sharp eyed children spotted one was missing and the childrens father was forced to run into the garden, dig up some earth, drop some flowers on the mound, and confirmed that one had died and that he had buried it (fingers crossed).
That left 12.
The childrens mother took ten back to the pet shop. (actually, the pet shop was still closed so she left all ten with the owner of the liquor store next door and asked him to give them to the pet shop owner when he got in)
That left 2.
One escaped never to be seen again.
That left 1.
The final one, got out the cage. Was caught by the cat, who brought it downstairs to play with its kill. Was taken away from the cat, by the dog, and was found wet and half dead in the mouth of the dog by the six year old daughter. In tears, her father explains to her that the hamster must have fallen down the stairs and badly injured itself, and the dog was just trying to save its life by bringing it to us it its mouth. We wrapped it warmly and left it comatose next to our bed next to the heater. It made lots of shuffling sounds in the night. In the morning it was stiff as a plank.
That left none.
Last Wednesday I came home with a white rat.
Never give a wallet to a 42 year old man with a 10 year old boy trapped inside his body.
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