A List of Nine Words your Wife Might Use (sent in by my brother in law)

Fine:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead:

This is a dare, not giving permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh:

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an ass and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

That's Okay:

This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks:

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

Whatever:

Is a woman's way of saying "Go to hell."

Don't worry about it, I got it:

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'

I miss a lot list....

I miss taking a leak and not having to worry that you have a 50:50 chance of getting a teaspoon of left over pee dribble down you leg as you exit the toilet.

I miss sleeping through the night without any kids to wake you up coughing, crying, peeing or sleep walking. (and I'm only looking for eight hours)

I miss sleeping in late in silence.

I miss taking only 10 minutes to get ready in the morning. Without kids lunches, uniforms, bickering and stalling.

I miss playing 36 holes on a Sunday if I felt the urge.

I miss playing golf. Period.

I miss cruising straight to La Med on a Friday afternoon after work with a beer in the car and the excitement of an unknown evening ahead.

I miss eating Dagwood's sitting in the gutter at Greasy's in Mowbray with the prostitutes, street people and cops at 3am on a Saturday morning.

I miss bunking lectures for the beach.

I miss streaking from Rhodes Memorial to Kenilworth Centre and knowing I could run that far without having a heart attack.

I miss heading off on three week holidays to Namibia in my little Opel 1300 with no plan, no car seats and no kiddies snacks.

I miss traffic cops who actually had to stop you to give you a fine.

I miss never having a job, but always having money.

I miss Tuesday nights at Barristers, Fridays at Forries, Saturday parties and Sunday nights at Quay Four.

Only another 12 years till the youngest clears out.

Boundaries are important

I took the liberty of compiling a short list of boundaries. You might like to cut this out and post it on the fridge if you dare (Please make sure you erase any link to this blogsite. I have quite enough shitsake in my own life already thank you)
Please feel free to personalise it before you put it up.

To my darling (fill in wife’s name here)
In the interests of taking our relationship to a new and exciting level, I think that it is important that we both set some boundaries for each other.
These are meant to make our communication a lot better, our relationship a lot less ambiguous, and ultimately to create a greater sense of intimacy.

1. First off. I will not answer you when you mumble questions to me when you are lying in the bath upstairs and I am doing something (surprisingly important to me) downstairs. I will not grit my teeth and stop what I am doing and slowly walk towards you saying "what?....What?....What?" until I can hear you. Instead, I will simply not answer. You will quickly learn not to do it. Getting annoyed that I can’t hear you will not help.
2. Along a similar vein. Unless it is given me in writing (emails are acceptable), I accept no responsibility for forgotten engagements / important tasks to be done / bills to be paid / school pick-ups to be done / instructions to be followed. You cannot tell me retrospectively that “I told you last week. Remember. You were in the living room. It was 7.13 pm”. It only counts if it was in writing. I have noticed that often when you do tell me these critical things, it is under your breath, while I am having a conversation with two children and trying to juggle performing a task. Even if I say yes, make eye contact and nod my head. I still didn’t hear you. I am just nodding to make the moment get past more quickly so that I can get back to doing the one thing I was doing originally. Before the task. Before the two children. The original thing. My head is still there. It never left. I am nodding, but I cannot hear you.
3. Getting to first base is never going to work. When I say that it will it is not strictly accurate. In the interests of honesty you need to know that I am wired differently to you. I cannot stop until the match is over. If I am fit, I will sometimes be able to go into extra time. Perhaps even a penalty shoot out. At which stage I will want to sleep. But I will never be able to stop at first base.
4. There is nothing wrong with my bowels. The loo is quite simply the last spot in the house where I can go and not have three children asking me something at the same time. Yes, I could finish up in three minutes like you. But then I wouldn’t get a chance to read the paper. Would I. I know going to the loo at the kids dinner and bath time is inconvenient. I’m sure it’s just a co-incidence.
5. I understand that you have been hearing the same after dinner stories for the past decade. But the rest of the guests are enjoying them as much as you used to. I could get a new stable of stories, but this would necessitate me going off for four years backpacking around the med and following a principle of free love. I think it will probably work out best if you just try not to get annoyed with the exaggeration. And please try not to correct the stories. Especially not before the punch line.
6. Me doing the same thing wrong five times over a period of seven years is not a pattern. A pattern implies a frequency of occurrence. Smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day is a pattern.
7. You cannot take the best traits of the husbands of all of the women in your book club, and mould them into something I am meant to be. Yes her husband might be financially responsible and stable, but he dances funny and wears his jeans half way between his belly button and his tits.
8. When you come back from book club and know all about the sex lives of all of the other couples in the group, and I then ask you “Shitsake, what did you tell them about our sex life?” And you say “nothing. I didn’t talk about our sex life at all” I don’t always completely believe you.
9. It is actually completely reasonable for me not to get you anything on Valentines day (yes, even not making you a hand made card) when we have specifically and jointly decided not to buy into the shallowness of valentines day.
10. Most importantly, the fact that you have a far longer, far more deep and meaningful list of things I need to work on changing, and that I could only come up with the above nine points is not a reflection on who needs to change more. It simply confirms that you have greater powers of recall. And no boundary in the world will ever change that.

Don't you hate it when....

Don’t you hate it when:

1. It’s 09h15. You have just finished your second cup of coffee at work. All your emails are up to date and your desk is cleared. You feel a strong and satisfying bowl movement coming on. A good coffee-crap. You open the loo door. Shitsake. The cleaning lady is in there and still has 10 minutes of cleaning left. Yes, you could go later, but its hardly going to be as satisfying. Is it?
2. You lie back in the bath getting ready for dinner with friends. You sigh contentedly as the hot water rises up to your ears. Shitsake. Your wife (who you love) shaved her legs and armpits in the bath before you got in. And yes. That is a pubic hair floating next to your cheek.
3. You shave that last and most sensitive area below your nose with a blunt razor.
4. It wasn’t a big argument and it was all the way back in the middle of the afternoon. It is now 11pm and you are half asleep in bed thinking about the rugby match. A half smile on your face. Good win. Your wife (who you love) turns to you in the dark and says, “Are you going to say anything...”
5. Australian commentators say something like this: “There are only two rugby players alive who could have passed a ball like that! And they are both playing for Australia today”
6. Australian rugby commentators commentate.
7. Your 4 year old son gets a funny, guilty look on his face, which you know means that he has just taken a dump in the Virgin Active pool.
8. Kevin Pietersen punches the air after making a century.
9. South African athletes, who have barely been overseas long enough to settle in, speak with a foreign accent.
10. You are working your way through a bag of mixed nuts and shitsake, right at the end you bite down on a bad one that leaves a disgusting aftertaste in your mouth ruining the R18 you have just eaten.
11. You spend all Saturday working through a list of 20 items your wife wanted done. You sweat heroically through 19 of them. Feeling a deep sense of satisfaction. The first thing your wife (who you love) asks when she gets home. Before even saying hello. Is to ask if you had a chance to do the 20th chore you never did. Shitsake. I did all 19 of the others.
12. The pink woman’s razor that you bought your wife (who you love) lies unused in the bathroom cupboard, while your razor is clogged up with armpit and leg hairs.
13. You go away for a long week-end and have to spend Sunday afternoon cleaning up before you leave.
14. You have to choose between either England or Australia losing a match, at any sport. We need a new scoring system where on any given day, both teams can lose badly.
15. Your wife (who you love) thinks that it is hilarious to start sharing intimate details about your (alleged) skidmarks, and other (alledged) bad habits, at a dinner table with 11 friends after her third glass of wine.
16. Your kids spill fruit juice into the trays of your cars back doors, where it evaporates and leaves a sticky pool that is always missed at the carwash.
17. Big middle aged women who smell of cheap lavatory spray, squeeze in next to you on a long flight, and have carrier bags encroaching on your leg room and foot space.
18. You step in dog crap just before getting into the car and there is nobody to swear at or blame.
19. You don’t finish an excellent book by the end of a long week-end away, and you don’t have the nerve to nick it.
20. You let rip with a beauty in the privacy of your office, and your satisfaction is ruined by the book-keeper walking in and asking your advice.
21. You go out with your mates for dinner, have a salad and a glass of water, and they split the bill. Bastards.
22. Your kids inexplicably need to pee 15 minutes from home, on the away leg of a 5 hour car trip, alongside the most dangerous section of freeway in the country.
23. Your wife (who you love) actually makes eye contact with vendors selling things at traffic lights, and your car is soon surrounded by a sea of eager salesmen.
24. You are at your parents for a week-end. You have a new baby. The baby monitor is switched on and the speaker is on loud upstairs in the kitchen, next to where you parents are preparing lunch. Downstairs at the receiver you and your wife are (allegedly) talking dirty and getting heavy. Noise levels rise. The monitor crackles. You both stop what you are doing realising they have heard everything. She definitely said worse things than you did. You blush madly and avoid making eye contact with your parents all afternoon.
25. Its time to leave the dinner party. You have been charming and funny and debonair. Shitsake. You didn’t realise quite how much you had to drink. Your head is spinning. Your legs are weak. You know. You KNOW. That you cannot make it to the door without stumbling. Your wife (who you love) is driving. Which makes it even worse. She is stone cold sober. You are about to enter shitsake street my friend.