My armpit looked like the vagina of a very old porn star with a bad shaving rash

It started out as a swollen gland under my armpit.
"Nice one" I thought, just what I feel like.
Then it didn't go away. For five days.
It just got bigger and redder and a shit load more painful.

Oh skaam! A boil.
Who gets boils at 42? I had like one, ever, when I was 13.
What is this. Latent puberty.
You have to be kidding me.

Then on day six, the discomfort turned to pain.
Like can't sleep at night pain.
Like 3 myprodol pain.
And the boil got bigger and redder and madder.
I was crying. I was wrecked.
No head.
My kids were looking at me writhing on the floor with no respect at all.
"Boils" - "we have them for breakfast"
Their eyes all screamed soft-cock at me.

Then I pulled the ultimate of all kak moves.
Shaving your pit. Gals do it. Nobs do it. Fetish freaks do it. Now I had done it too.
It didn't look very sexy.
In the mirror, my shaved armpit looked like the vagina of a very old, very flabby, very used porn star. With a bad shaving rash. And in the middle, a big, angry, swollen tit sticking out.

In my moment of greateast pain I cut 40cm off the end of the garden hose, stuck one end on my new third nipple, and sucked on the other end. Hard.
Honest no shit.
You try doing that with only one hand, in pain, with your other arm above your head, seeing everything in reverse in a mirror.
All I got were three perfectly round. Very painful and deep blue love bites. And lots of bruising.

At last Mount Fuji got a snow cap.
Squeezing started in earnest three times per day.
Buckets came out. First puke yellow, and then dirty grey and finally brown. Faeces brown. Yuk.
And each drop was sore.
But the hole is tiny. Too tiny. I need more action.

Day eight and I rush through to the Doc at 19h45 pleading for it to be cut open.
Grit your teeth says the little shit and then without any further ado he stabs the sharp end of a closed pair of surgical scissors into the hole, and then opens them and rips them out. Geeze. My toes curled and I screamed a little 5 year old school child like scream.
Double strength ant-biotics and be a man.

Two days later I am back at the doctor.
The pain shooting through my veins is blood poisoning.
I have a temperature, aching joints, sore muscles and a fever.

I look at my kids with new respect.
My wife has had to squeeze my suppurating porn star vagina nipple armpit each night.
In one foul stroke I have managed put her off hetero, gay and porn star sex.

Its not a lot to be proud of, but it is something.